Teenage Wasteland
by Ice Cream Social
Summary: AU. Some really cute guy shows up often to watch Rufioh while he's at practice for his basketball team. Rufioh investigates and ends up with a phone number. [possibly ongoing…mostly just a drabble.]
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I should be working on Gods and Monsters bUT I'm really enjoying bonebrothers atm...there needs to be more fic for them. This is just a drabble, and I might not continue it. It really depends on whether people like it or not._

* * *

He was doing it again. At least, you were half sure that that kid who always came in during practice was doing it again.

You weren't sure why, either. You liked basketball enough that you joined the team, even though you were much too awkward to talk to the other players successfully. They accepted you nonetheless, they did things like patted you on the back when you scored a goal and invited you to their drinking parties. Sometimes you even went; you usually brought a date just so that they didn't get any funny ideas about trying to hook you up with one of the school's cheerleaders or something. Though, you were in the process of trying to break up with Horrus, not that it was doing you any good.

Currently your brow was covered in sweat along with the rest of your uniform; you weren't sure why that boy would be staring at you if he was. Your usually meticulously styled hair was falling around your face, reminding you that your roots were growing in and you had to dye it again.

The coach blew his whistle, telling you that practice was over. Most of your team went to hit the showers, but today...well. Today you thought you'd try and see what the kid was up to, coming into practice so often. Did he want on the team? Was he friends with someone on the team? You'd asked the guys on the team and they all shrugged and said the same thing, "never seen him in my life, except for practice and games." Which also meant this guy came to your team's games. Did he lose some kind of bet? He didn't look the type to enjoy basketball a whole lot, especially if he came to practice and games without even trying out for the team.

You had tried to talk to him once before. The only response you'd gotten to your "hello" and attempt at friendly chatter had caused him to sidle away from you across the bleachers and duck his head, making it impossible for you to really get a good look at this guy, or see what kind of expression he was making. He had made some sort of gesture with his hands, and you had figured he wanted you to leave, so you did.

Needless to say, you were left pretty perplexed. This guy refused to talk to anyone on the team but came to all your games and practices, looking interested in _something_.

Today you were going to try again.

You did your best to flip your red and black streaked hair out of your face, ignoring how it clung to your forehead, along with the rest of your uniform. You felt kind of gross, but if this guy saw you like this regularly, you didn't see anything wrong with approaching him looking the way you did.

The kid's change in posture was almost immediate. His head of curls bowed to you, making it hard for you to see what he really looked like. His shoulders tensed along with the rest of his body, making you feel bad for thinking about trying to talk to him. It was too late now; you were already at the bleachers, planting yourself next to him with a few huffs of exertion from practice. You attempted a smile at this guy, thinking, _play it cool, _and _you got this_.

"Hey, dol-" You stopped, gritting your teeth at yourself. This was a mistake already. "Hey, _dawg_. What's up?"

His head turned away from your direction and his legs pressed together, lengthening the distance between you. Goddamn. Your smile wavered, but you weren't going to let that stop you. This was hard. You weren't all that great at talking to people sometimes. "So, uh...are you a friend of someone on the team?" Perhaps this wasn't the best question; you didn't want to alienate him. You weren't at all surprised when he shook his head and you slid closer just ever so slightly, trying to get a look at his face.

"Hey man...that's cool. It's real nice of you to come to our games and stuff anyways...support the team, you know?" Again silence greeted you, telling you were striking out on all accounts here. You clicked your tongue in distaste at yourself. This was it. Might as well try.

"Not a talker, hey? That's alright, man...I ain't any good at that shit either. But hey...I was thinking." You broke out in a sweat unrelated to any sort of sports activity when he finally turned to look at you. That made everything harder, especially considering he was attractive as all hell, close up. "There's this coffee shop downtown that I like going to sometimes...it's real nice. Would you wanna...meet up there sometime and hang out?" _Play it cool. _"The baristas there are real cute...haha. If you don't though, that's cool too." He was pale. Really, really pale with dark blue eyes that almost looked a shade of amethyst, and wild curls dyed a dark shade of purple. Fuck.

Silence stretched out between the two of you, before he moved, making you startle slightly. To your surprised he produced a cell phone and tapped it a couple times, and handed it to you. You took his phone and looked at it in confusion; your loss quickly cleared up as the screen indicated a new contact, making you grin wide in relief. So maybe you weren't entirely wrong. You do your best to enter your information without shaking too much and hand it back to him and you almost jump to your feet. "Sweet. I gotta go, but...gimme a call or text or something, okay? And we'll iron out all the details...heh. I'll see you later, though..." You almost trot off after that, feeling your face break out into a flush as you rush yourself off to the change room.

The guys on the team bother you about being more sweaty and flushed than usual, and that you must be slacking off during practice. You laugh and agree, glad they bothered you about something like that than your absence right after practice in the showers.

You shower and change and gather your stuff to head home. Your chest tightens as you think that maybe that guy is still sitting there, but you're the only one left. You deflate in both relief and disappointment and make the trek home; you could drive, but sometimes you liked walking. You walked as much as you could, anyways; usually your kid brother needed you to drive him to school, but you hardly blamed him for that.

Tavros stayed home today, saying he was sick; he didn't look all that sick, though. He had taken over the main tv, curled up in a pile of blankets and pillows and stuffed animals as he played Fable. You roll your eyes at him and ruffle his hair and leave him to his own devices as he lazily greets you home.

As soon as you get to your room, you check your phone as you unceremoniously dump everything on the floor. You're greeted with a text message from an unknown number, making you grin. Your excitement staves off though as you read it; it simply said "HELLO." and nothing else. You weren't even sure if it was from that guy you asked out earlier.

Not that you 'asked him out' though. Nope. That would be considered cheating, right?

Your fingers work your message out. "hey...who 1s th1s?" You climb onto your bed, doing your best to get comfortable in this situation.

However, you become pleased again as whoever it was sending you all these messages seemed to be paying attention to you and your phone pings again with a text. "IT'S KURLOZ. I GUESS I DIDN'T INTRODUCE MYSELF AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. YOU ASKED ME OUT EARLIER TODAY."

Your stomach tightens and you drop your phone, covering your face a little bit. So, he _had _been checking you out and interpreted it as a date. Well, not that there was anything wrong with that. Kurloz- you knew his name now and that was pretty cool- was pretty attractive.

Not that you were cheating again or anything.

"oh! cool...thanks for gett1ng back to me. 1'm ruf1oh, 1n case you d1dn't know..." You were pretty sure Kurloz was way ahead of you, but that was alright. That was how crushes worked, right? Your phone pinged again.

"I ALREADY KNEW THAT, BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT. IT'S NICE TO FINALLY TALK TO YOU PROPERLY." Kurloz also seemed pretty forthright about his silence; it was almost endearing, how shy he seemed. You smile as you write a reply.

"haha, yeah...1 gotta adm1t...1t was a l1ttle hard to talk to you. That's alr1ght though, we're talking now..." You weren't cheating. Nope. For all you know, this wasn't –really- a date and maybe Kurloz wouldn't have good chemistry with you. Or maybe he wasn't even interested in you like that. Your chest and stomach stretched out as you thought of that. You didn't like that thought.

"YES, SO WE ARE. I ALSO MUST APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. I CAN'T SPEAK, SO I'M SORRY FOR NOT COMMUNICATING WITH YOU SOONER."

This makes you frown and tilt your head. Couldn't speak. Does that mean he was _so shy _he literally couldn't talk to you? A fluttering sensation comes from your chest and you smile again. This guy was _adorable_. Even if you were really shy yourself. "aw...1t's cool. Not everyone 1s good at talk1ng...ne1ther am 1! 1 don't understand how 1t was so d1ff1cult to say hello to me though...1 don't b1te!" You hoped you didn't sound like an ass. You weren't any good at flirting or joking.

"IT WASN'T DIFFICULT. I DID IT LAST TIME WE TALKED. I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND SIGN LANGUAGE?"

You stare at your screen for another few moments, and it clicks. Goddamnit, you were a moron. You bury your face in your hands and groan, thinking how self-centered you could be. Kurloz wasn't shy. Kurloz was _mute. _Kurloz was mute, and you were an idiot. "oh...sh1t! 1'm sorry, 1 d1dn't know...1 feel awful. 1'm sorry, man..."

You frowned, wondering how that was going to work. You liked him. You had only talked to him a little bit and seen him close once, but you liked him. Did he like you? How would you talk on your date, if that's what it was? You were more than confused, and a little frustrated. "IT'S OKAY. I KIND OF FIGURED THAT WAS THE CASE, AND THAT'S FINE. HOW DOES FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL SOUND FOR THE COFFEE SHOP?"

Air filled your lungs again in relief. So he didn't think you were a complete moron and he still wanted to go out. Not that it was a date. Nope. Your smile returns as you type your reply. "oh...well. 1 have to drop my brother off after school...but 1 can p1ck you up after that or you can come w1th us when 1 drop h1m off...?"

Kurloz was fast. You wonder if it has anything to do with his being mute. You wonder how he became mute. You wonder if he was born like that. You wonder how Kurloz had managed to escape you all this time. "I CAN WAIT FOR YOU TO DROP HIM OFF. OR I CAN MEET YOU THERE. I HAVE MY OWN BROTHER TO TAKE CARE OF, SO I UNDERSTAND. ALL I WOULD NEED IS THE ADDRESS OF THE SHOP."

Kurloz also has a brother. You grin a little, thinking it would be funny if they could be friends, too. You didn't know much about Tavros' private life, but you were positive he wasn't entirely straight. The possibility of your _brothers _going out then made you make a face and drop the thought altogether. You tap in the address of the coffee shop and idly wonder what to wear on Friday. "are you sure you don't want me to p1ck you up...?" You ask. It was only polite.

"IT'S FINE. LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER OF A BROTHER IS BOTHERING ME NOW, SO I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT SCHOOL, OKAY?" You're a little disappointed at the short conversation, but it was meaningful. You agree, and then your mind jumps to wondering if you've ever seen him before, like if you've had any classes together and you were just spacey. Something about him seemed a little familiar, but you couldn't quite understand why.

You bid Kurloz goodnight, and then you go and tackle Tavros on the couch and attempt to wrestle the controller from him.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: i dont even. i'm sorry for all my terrible writing._

* * *

_Groan._

You hit your head against the steering wheel of your vehicle, which wasn't really yours. It was a van modified with a ramp for Tavros' wheelchair. At first, you thought rolling up to school every day in this thing would be embarrassing. But your brother's disability, along with how much you and Tavros _normally _seemed to naturally gather attention regardless of what you did, you decided you didn't give a shit. Driving Tavros to school was a lot more important than having a sweet ride.

Besides, it was huge inside the van, meaning you had more than enough space inside for piling inside with your friends with alcohol, or piling inside the van with...entirely different reasons altogether.

Usually, you didn't care a whole lot about time. Tavros meant a lot to you, of course, and you were chill enough that when you caught him with some weed, you didn't flip out. Whatever, right? But- you had a _date- _and Tavros was taking forever on getting his ass into the van. You drum your fingers against the steering wheel, looking around for your brother- and then you spot him. He's being pushed along by some tall, beanpole of a dude with his hood pulled up. Tavros is grinning wide and laughing, and so is this guy he's with- you frown, wondering momentarily who the hell this creep is, pushing your brother along. Then you remember you had a _date, _and you roll down the window to yell at your brother.

"Hey, man...move it along! I got shit to do!" Tavros jumps, obviously not used to you yelling at him openly. Beanpole here on the other hand, just sort keeps grinning and helps Tavros into the van. You stare at him a little, trying to figure out why he looks familiar, but then you decide you don't give a flying shit. Soon enough Tavros is in the van and you're off, pulling out of the parking lot without allowing your brother to say bye to his friend. You're too anxious to care.

Was your hair alright? Did you overdress? Did you under dress? Maybe wearing your favorite septum piercing was too much. Was this _really _a date? All these questions are running through your head, you didn't notice Tavros bitching at you from the back of the van. "Hey, asshole! I was, uh, taking to you!"

You almost stomp on the breaks out of surprise and swerve a little. You were sweating a little from how nervous you were. You really hated sweat. It reminded you too much of Horrus. "What?" You ask, a little freaked out by how, well, freaked out you already were, which seems to make Tavros freak out a little too.

"Don't kill us!" His voice comes shrill, and you even yourself and your driving out.

"Shut up! What were you talking about before?" You snap, and you're driving close to your residential area. You and your family had moved close to the school just for Tavros, in case something happened with the van that he couldn't get a driver for the day. It was still easier to drive him.

You glance back and you see that Tavros is glaring at you. "What was that about? I didn't, uh, get to say goodbye to Gamzee!"

_Gamzee? _You drive into your residential area and find your street with ease. "I'm sorry, I just...damn. I'm really nervous, okay? I have somewhere to be."

Tavros shuts up like you wanted him to, which is unsettling for some reason; you pull up next to your house and park. You look back at him, and he has this smirk stretched across his lips and you immediately dislike it. "Somewhere to be? You have a, um, a date, don't you?" _Fucker. _You climb out of the van and help Tavros out of the van and down the ramp, and all the while he's patronizing you. "I thought you were, trying to, break up with Horrus, though? So why would you, uh, date him?"

As soon as he touches the ground securely you're packing the van up, closing up the ramp and doors before he can say much more. "Unless it's not Horrus. It can't be, um, Damara, that would just be, uh, insane, even for you." His grin widens and you sweat a little more. "So who is it? Do I, um, know them?"

You open the van doors and toss Tavros' book bag into his lap, along with your own, with blush quickly spreading across your cheeks. "Shut up, just, shut up, okay?" You manage, before you take a deep breath. You tug at your jacket- it was one of your favorite leather jackets with metal studs and band patches everywhere. "Do I look okay? Should I change? What if-"

Tavros wrinkles his nose and grabs the front of your shirt and tugs you down to his level, and licks his hand and smoothes out your hair. You try to jerk away in disgust, but he holds you steady. After a moment of him scrutinizing you, he gives your cheek a slap that stings a little, but you knew he didn't mean it in a bad way. He was helping, and you had to calm your ass down. "You look like, um, a moron, as usual. I wouldn't wear that, but, um, if they've already agreed to date you, they've probably already seen you, so, you've both crossed the line of, uhh, no return." You open your mouth to retort, but you sigh and kick at the sidewalk a little with your red Doc Martens and decide he's right.

Tavros sighs and pats your shirt down, expression softening a little. "Ugh. I'm sorry. You look fine, okay? You look, um, great. Go and sweep them off their feet, or, whatever it is you're going to do. You can tell me about it later." You smile, and he holds up his hand. "But not in great detail. Okay?"

You nod and ruffle his hair, which makes him make an indignant squeak, which also causes you to laugh. "Thanks, baby brother." You reach for his hair again and he swats you away, and you tear off to the other side of the van, laughing to yourself as you do. You hear some expletives in Spanish come after you as you jump into the van and start it up again. Tavros flips you off as you drive away.

You feel a lot better.

* * *

You feel not so good again as you drive up to your favorite cafe. On a normal day, you would be relieved- being a college bound senior was getting to you, and you didn't like bringing your dates here- without a doubt, Damara would steal this place from you if she knew. You loved your coffee and all the food they offered you here; the staff liked you and gave you free food occasionally and the baristas were always cute, older girls that you flirted with harmlessly.

All in all, you really hoped asking Kurloz here was a good move.

You walk in, the smell of ground coffee beans and the bell hitting the door greets you as always, but it doesn't quell the feeling in your stomach. You look around, and you don't see that mass of curls that you'd manage to miss seeing all day in school somehow. Then, there it is- you see Kurloz peeking at you from behind a decorative screen, sitting in some of the couches the cafe offered. You started towards him, but he got up and motioned to a small table off to the side, and you follow him.

God, he looked great. You didn't recognize him for a moment, because he had some white and black face paint on his face, something that reminded you of the day of the dead, which was pretty bangarang. His sweater was baggy and his jeans were tight, and you felt a little better about how you dressed. Kurloz settled himself into a chair across from you, and he grinned at you. This grin was warm and friendly- this also almost makes him unrecognizable from the seemingly shy boy you'd been staring at for the past couple of months. "Hey, doll." You greet after a moment, realizing that you had been silent up until this point.

Kurloz holds a finger to his lips, and then he reaches down and grabs his bag you hadn't noticed he'd been carrying before. He pulls out a notebook and he gives you a pen, holding a pen himself, and you're relieved. You feel like an ass, for not having figured it out for him, but Kurloz seems to have himself and this date already figured out. ["hey doll."] He jots out and adds a smiley face that seems to have a nose for some reason. You blush, realizing that he was teasing you for calling him doll.

"...Sorry. It's kind of a habit...I like calling people that...especially people I like." That probably sounded corny. The other boy seems to take it in stride, though- and he writes as fast as he texts.

["It's okay, bro. No need to worry. Although it's kind of motherfucking cute when you do. I was just teasing."] Cute? Did he just call you cute?

Being apparently called cute did nothing for the temperature of your face and all you manage is an awkward laugh. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting long..." You try to change the subject, hoping he doesn't notice the heat in your cheeks.

Kurloz' mass of curls move as he shakes his head and he reaches across the table to tap at your hand with a long finger, and he's grinning at you. Your face heats up even more. You were almost positive that this was a date now, but you should ask anyways. "Yeah?" You ask after a moment of not-so-subtly staring (admiring).

Kurloz jots something down again and the heat just gets worse. ["Your face is a real motherfuckin' sweet shade of pink, bro."]

Your nervous laughing increase and you tug at the collar of your shirt, and then slide the leather off your shoulders. "I-it's a little hot in here, don't you think?" Kurloz shakes his head, seemingly content in his layers of knitted fabrics. The smile across his lips just widens a little and you move to stand, but then you realize that this was the moment you were waiting for, and you clear your throat, desperately trying to ignore how flushed your shoulders up still felt. "I-I, um, I have a question, doll."

A question mark appears on the paper, and you sit a little straighter, trying to appear as though this wasn't a big deal to you, which it was. "I...I was wondering...don't take this wrong, okay?" You pause and hold your hands up defensively, and Kurloz nods his jaw towards you, as though to encourage you. "...Is this a...date?"

Kurloz' smile falters a little, just for a moment, and this worries you. The thin boy pulls the paper a little closer and scrawls something out for you to read. ["I was all up and wondering when the fuck a brother would ask. Yeah man, I'd like for this to be a date. It would be something like a miracle for me."] Kurloz sits back a little and frowns, and taps the pen to his chin. ["but you're dating that ridiculous ass agricultural brother, ain't you?"]

A frown replaces the retreating shade of red you were sporting as confusion wins you over. _Ridiculous ass agricultural brother? _Then it hits you. "Oh! You mean Horrus." Kurloz sort of grimaces, and then nods and stares at his lap, looking as if you were less interesting and intimidating then whatever it was he was fidgeting with. _His streak of shyness, _you think, and you smile a little. You weren't all too happy that Kurloz knew you were spoken for, but he seemed timid about it. Your chest tightened with fondness. "...Well...yeah. I guess I am dating that dude...but...it's not so much dating anymore, as it is a front. An...excuse, almost." You laugh a little, bitterly. Blue eyes narrow a little in confusion at you, and you sigh.

_Better make with the story-telling. _"I guess...it seems that way, doesn't it? This will...probably sound real shitty of me, but...I don't feel that way about him anymore. I...I'm pretty sure he's...well, crazy about me." You bite your lip and tuck your hand behind your neck, rubbing a little. "And uh...I don't mean that as if to say, I'm hot shit, 'cause I ain't." More nervous laughter leaves you and Kurloz' hand moves with his pen.

["I'd like to all up and disagree with you right there, motherfucker. But I'm listening."] You try to ignore the burning sensation along your ears and continue speaking.

"Ha ha...shit. You really gotta quit saying shit like that, man." You stutter a little and Kurloz draws himself in a loose shrug and smiles at you. "Well...I say he's crazy, because he keeps calling me and texting me, and messaging me online...like...all the time." You pause. "Which wouldn't be so bad...but he keeps leaving weird shit and comments on my facebook wall, you dig? A guy can only handle being sent flirty shit online before he gets real tired of it..." You cringe a little, realizing that you were complaining. "Sorry. It's just...he's smothering me. He always wants to see me and hang out, and go out and do shit...and...he's a really great guy. He really, really is." You frown. "But I feel like...we weren't ever meant to go out, you know? Like...he shoulda been my best friend, instead of my boyfriend, or something. I keep trying to break it off, but he keeps changing the subject, or he says he didn't hear what I said or..." You trail off, and you don't notice that you're doing it, but you had become tense and ridged. Kurloz presses a finger to your lips, effectively shushing you, and he motions to himself.

Kurloz' shoulders rise a little as he audibly inhales, gesturing for you to also breathe in, which you do. Then he lowers his hand as he exhales, and so do you, and he pulls his hand away and pokes you on the nose. The pen is picked up again. ["Relax, bro. I got it. You don't have all them wicked feels for a motherfucker anymore. That's some pretty-natural sounding shit, and I don't have any notions of going and disagreeing with you. I think that sorta noise being directed at my own motherfucking self would have gotten me all turned off and shit too."] The way Kurloz types and writes has you re-reading things and almost mouthing what he says, but the message eventually hits home and you untangle yourself a little.

Kurloz reaches out and gently takes your hand away from your other hand, which you hadn't realized you were wringing. ["It's aight, brother. I kind of got my motherfucking understanding on that you ain't got the best luck with all this romance noise. I been around, and I've seen the way that weeaboo chica Damara all up and gets to be around a wicked doll like you."] You blush a little at how he'd picked up your slang.

"...Yeah. That's about all of it. I ain't trying to cheat on him, but I kind of don't consider him...my boyfriend anymore. I stopped returning all his calls and shit, and I'm avoiding him the best I can, and...I'm just hoping he gets the goddamn message." Kurloz' hand tightens a little around yours in a way that isn't at all unpleasant, or unwelcome. You wish your heart would slow down a little. It's not as if your hand has never been held before.

["I understand. That leaves one question behind though, my righteous brother."] You look from the paper to Kurloz, brows furrowing questioningly. Kurloz pauses a moment, and he looks away, pen hesitating over the paper before he starts writing again. ["Do you want this to all up and be some kind of date?"]

_Oh_. Oh, that does it. Your chest constricts and your hand twitches in his grasp and he loosens it. You wish he wouldn't. Your heart is beating embarrassingly fast, and you're not sure if it's because of how _confused _you were, or if it's because of how your apparent date looked so ready to be rejected. You muster what little bit of courage and confidence you have and tilt your hand to slide your fingers around Kurloz' and give them a squeeze. Kurloz had looked away again, looking dejected but he perked up at this, blue eyes widening a little. "...I'd like this to be a date, yeah. If...if it's not too much trouble..." You smile nervously and you're sure you're trembling, because your smile feels fake. It is fake, and he can probably tell, but at least you're trying. You're so nervous.

Your potential boyfriend stares at you for a moment before he drops the pen and brings his free index finger to his lips and kisses the tip of it, and then reaches over and presses the pad of his index finger to your lips. Damn it. Damn this guy. The color flares up all over you again and a breathy noise leaves Kurloz, which you realize is his laugh. Then it's all over.

Just then, though you don't subconsciously realize it, you've fallen for Kurloz Makara. New words appear on the paper. ["MOTHERFUCKING RIGHTOUS, MY BROTHER. Or how was it that you've always liked to say? Bangarang?"]

You stare at the word for a moment before you dissolve into a fit of laughs. Damn it. Damn, damn, damn. "Oh my god...yeah, man. Bangarang. So...do you want some coffee then, _my brother_?" You think you see a little bit of red tint the white of his face paint and he shies away for the briefest of moments before he draws closer again and stands up and nods, paper abandoned.

You also stand and tug on the sleeve of his sweater, motioning for him to follow you to the counter. Kurloz trails after you as your bring him to the counter of the cafe, and you order your usual, plus a couple of sandwiches. You look to Kurloz and ask what he wants, and he sort of gives you a disappointed look, and you remember. _Oh, yeah_. You're the worst date ever. Kurloz ends up pointing to a section of the menu, and you read out the list of beverages before he nods at what he wants. He gives you a playful shove and you give one back, leaving you both sort of giggling for a moment. The cute girl that usually serves you sort of raises an eyebrow at you as you tell her Kurloz' order.

You stiffen a little as you see a macabre sort of wallet appear in Kurloz' hands, and you realize the motherfucker is trying to pay for your food. You snatch the wallet from his hands and tuck it under your arm as you fish your own wallet out and quickly pull out a bill and hand it to the barista, who is looking more and more amused with the two of you. Kurloz reaches around and makes to grab for his wallet and you turn away. Once the barista turns around to start filling your orders, you feel a pinch on your rear, and you jump and drop his wallet. Kurloz dips to scoop it up and makes that breathy noise again to laugh, and you blush. _Okay, maybe he isn't shy. _It's pretty clear that Kurloz is just fucking with you.

All of your first-date nervousness is deserted as you both shove and prod each other around, and soon your both have your drinks and food and you return to your table. Kurloz steals your seat and wiggles his way into your jacket, and _damn _he must be all sweater and nothing else, because he manages to stuff himself into your leather jacket somehow with his thick sweater on. You're not even annoyed or amused, you're just sort of impressed, and you take his seat. "Goddamn, man. Do you eat? You're skin and bones."

A lethargic shrug comes from your date, and Kurloz tugs the paper and pen close. ["Nice jacket."] You blush a little again, because you had been feeling pretty lousy about your outfit earlier. Then you notice that his eyes are on you, and you're not sure if he's looking at your outfit or checking you out, but you feel self-conscious about it either way. You decide you kind of really want to kiss him, but it's only the first date, and if all your romance failures have taught you anything, you've learned not to get too touchy too soon. Instead of kissing him, you grab your sandwich and shove it into your face, ignoring how he was smirking at you.

You two eat for a while, and you end up shoving your sandwich into his face, because he keeps writing ridiculously sweet and flirty things at you, trying to get a rise out of you. It's much different than the way Horrus flirts with you, and for some reason, you enjoy it. You had decided before that you hated flirting, but Kurloz was...making it fun.

After you finish your sandwich (read: Kurloz steals your sandwich and you let him, because he's way too skinny) you notice that he's still wearing your stupid jacket. You huff in frustration, because he hadn't left anything of his behind for you to steal. You kick something, and look down, and notice his bag. You grab the strap and pull it into your lap and open it up before he notices. As soon as you're forearm deep, Kurloz notices that you're digging through his bag and he sort of flails. You excavate his bag a little more, and then _success, _you find it. You find a tee shirt and you pull it over your own tee shirt, feeling a little ridiculous. Once Kurloz sees what you're wearing he deflates and looks a little sheepish, and you look down. You're wearing an _Insane Clown Posse _shirt, and you can't help but laugh.

"ICP? Ah shit, I shoulda guessed." Kurloz continues to look flustered, and even though it's cute, you want him to smile, so you nudge him. "Don't worry man, I'll be your goddamn ninja or whatever."

Kurloz' smile is instantly wide and genuine, and for the first time you're glad you know a little bit about juggalo culture. You finish your drinks and head out to the small parking lot in front of the building, and you guess it's time to say goodbye to your date.

_No kissing, _you remind yourself. You slide just a little closer, and your doc martens bump into his converse. Oops. You had tried to give him his shirt back, but he insisted that you keep it. You look up at Kurloz, and glance at your van. "I...well...damn. I haven't been on a date that's been this fun before. Thanks, man. It was great. Can...we do it again?" You ask, nervously.

Kurloz nods and leans close, with his eyelids lowering. You tense up as you realize too late he wants to kiss you, so all you can do is awkwardly tilt your head away, and he ends up kissing your cheek, and almost your jaw, because he's not as tall as you. The look of hurt he gives you comes instantly and you look away, regretting it a little.

"...Shit. I'm sorry. Not yet, okay? And...maybe not in public..." Kurloz' mouth had set into a firm line, but he seems to consider this, and he nods. You pull him in for a hug and kiss his cheek back, close to the corner of his lips. A smile rises on his lips again, and he seems to have forgiven you. He hugs you back and you stand there for a moment, before he pulls away and hands you a note.

["You need to learn sign language, motherfucker."]

You kiss Kurloz on the cheek again before you shove him away with a laugh, nodding in agreement to his statement. Kurloz flips you off, and then makes a heart with his hands as you walk away from each other to your respective vehicles.

You climb in and watch him drive off, and he flips you off again. You laugh and lean against your steering wheel a little, smiling at the fluttering feeling in the pit of your stomach.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: okay this fic is going to change direction here. There are going to be mentions of self-harm and depression, so if you can't handle those, you've been warned._

* * *

Your name is Rufioh Nitram, and you are a hole.

You're lying on your bed, purposefully ignoring your homework, and your phone. The weekend has started, and you could not be more relieved; you hated being out and about in public. Everyone seemed to want a piece of you for _something, _for things you hated thinking about, and you were tired of it.

It was Saturday. On Saturdays, the guys from your basketball team or your "friends" would invite you out to party, but you didn't want any of it. Not today. Not tonight. You had piled your books and papers on the end of your bed, with every intention of digging into all your overdue papers and projects that your teachers had mercifully given you more time for. The thought of being even _more _overdue on projects with your already low grade caused you to groan and kick your papers on your bed and roll over, comforter in hand.

You couldn't take it. You were _here _again. You were sinking, and sinking fast into a place in your head you never liked to be. Usually, you could halt your downward spiral by drinking so much you couldn't control what you did or said, or doing whatever drugs people handed to you, or fucking Horrus hard enough that you didn't care anymore.

Because you didn't. You didn't care.

You had settled yourself down on your bed with your books in tow, ready to attempt to dig yourself out of the grave you had tricked yourself into, when your phone started going off, telling you you had texts. You had checked them eagerly; Kurloz had texted you a couple times, which caused your uneven heart to beat just a little faster. You didn't love him- you didn't love Horrus, you didn't love even yourself. You loved no one. Thoughts of the boy you had dated caused you to smile, but nothing more. It was just a passing fancy, right?

Instead of Kurloz texting you, it was Horrus, and you instantly remembered what a terrible person you were.

_"8=D Hello, are you busy this weekend? Do you want to hang out?"_

_"8=D Do you already have plans? I understand completely if you are already otherwise engaged."_

_"8=D I just thought it would be nice if we could see each other."_

_"8=D Are you alright?"_

_"8=D Please, speak with me. I miss you. I have STRONG feelings of regret if I have wronged you, and I offer you my humblest apologies."_

_"8=D Rufioh?"_

The messages had trickled into your phone over the course of an hour, more than long enough to derail your thought process into a negative one. When you got like this, you didn't come out for hours. Sometimes even a day. After a while, you stopped checking your messages. You couldn't look at the things Horrus was saying anymore.

It didn't break your heart to see Horrus like this. It should. Horrus was the closest fucking thing you had to a real friend, and here you were, screwing with him every possible way. Your heart wasn't broken. You didn't harbor any regret or remorse for Horrus, like you should. You didn't care. You just. Didn't. Care.

After a while, Horrus gave up. Usually he did- he would send you a barrage of messages and posts, and then he would stop, seeing that you weren't responding. You just had to wait it out.

As you had expected, your phone stopped making any noise for a good while, and you allowed yourself to breathe a little more. You forgot to breathe occasionally, and it made your head hurt when you did that to yourself. You laid on your bed with your chest heaving for air, and you tried to purge yourself of the usual thoughts you had of hurting and hating yourself. It was starting to work- your lungs seemed to even themselves out and you relaxed a little, then your phone went off again. You frowned- it couldn't have been Horrus. It wasn't like him to keep it up for more than an hour or so.

It was an unrecognized number. Broken Japanese insulted and patronized you, calling you a piece of shit, a whole, a slut. That you were the worst person, and that you had every right to hate yourself, and that you should break it off with Horrus, before he decided to break you.

That was it. You shoved your phone off your bed, uncaring if it got dented or scratched. You had no idea how Damara kept getting your number, even when you changed it often and blocked and ignored her. She seemed to know every way to get under your shallow hide and stretch you thin. Thin enough to get you to represent her sex and her drugs and her sadness across your skin in bruises and broken skin in places you never let anyone see.

Sometimes, you let Damara push you down and fuck you when you were blazed. She didn't hurt like Horrus did- he was too strong for you, and even though you knew he never meant it, he always pulled your hair, rode you too hard, bit you enough to draw blood, pressed deep enough to tear or clot your blood. Damara was soft and welcoming, with the opiates of smoke and full curves to lull you into thinking you didn't care enough get into her. Her words hurt more than any mark Horrus ever left you, and you weren't sure which lover was worse anymore.

_Slut. Bitch. Cunt. I'm going to use you again this weekend. Where do you want to meet this time? I like fucking in your baby brother's van. He's cute, kind of like you, but he's not a fucking whore like you are. Too bad._

Your heart wasn't broken.

You had _tried_. You had tried to tell Horrus no, you couldn't do it anymore. Occasionally, a part of your conscience or some misguided morals bubbled up in your maw, and you would spew apologies. You told him you were sorry, and that you wouldn't do it anymore. You had never told him that you still slept with Damara, or that sometimes you ended up underneath or on top of someone you didn't recognize at a party. Marking up your bedposts with a stranger was easier than apologizing to the man you considered your best friend. Damara liked to remind you of how sick your insides probably were, and she held it against you, told you that if you didn't fuck her, she would tell Horrus.

You were a hole. You couldn't describe yourself in any other way. You laughed with people and smiled at who you were supposed to consider a friend, but you hated it. You hated _them_. You didn't have any close friends, because you kept everyone at arms' length. You fucked anyone who got close enough to you, or you made them sad enough to leave you, and then you kept it all inside. You swallowed and gutted yourself with their words and touches, promising yourself that you would be okay.

There was a pedestal you were placed upon. Something about the way you looked or walked told people you were gaping wide, ready for them to wrap themselves around you and squeeze. You were surrounded with strangers who were supposed to be friends, because you had isolated yourself. You fucked your best friend and lied to him, and then you kept it inside of you, where you thought maybe your heart was supposed to be and let all the rot fester. At some point, you had stopped hating everyone, because this was all your fault. You hated yourself instead, and you cut, you impaled yourself mentally and physically until you convinced yourself that you were strong enough to take it. You could take whatever they gave you, and you were okay. This was how the world worked. You didn't need anyone. There's no such thing as love. Nobody _needs _you.

You are a hole, and your heart isn't broken. You suck up the feelings and reciprocations of anyone who gets close to you and you keep it in a place dark and deep enough nobody can see.

A boy with a painted face and a loose sweater comes to mind, and panic rises in your chest. Kurloz seems so_familiar. _Had you already fucked him at a party? Had you fucked his friends? Had you ever partied with him or anyone he knew? Without thinking much about it, you drew your blunt nails over your inner arm and squeezed.

Your heart isn't broken. It can't get broken.

You never gave your heart out to anyone anymore, out of fear that they would use your feelings against you, like Damara had done, like you had done to her. If you kept it inside with everything else, it wouldn't hurt like everything else did. Love was a fairytale, kind of like all those fables you and Tavros liked to read, wrapped up in all your shojo manga and anime. It wasn't real.

Even if love isn't real, you feel something lodged deep in your bones pull and give, tearing under the weight you keep held over the bones of your shoulders. All the lies you had drawn began to tower over you, hovering and pressing close up against you, fluttering and moving with your every action, wrapped up deep into your nervous system and marrow like a pair of wings. All built up and grown out for everyone to see all beautiful like, presented to everyone, letting them know you were a _lie_. You were a fable, a promise, placed high up where everyone seemed to want to be a part of your lies and help your wings spread.

You are a hole. Holes aren't beautiful, they don't have wings; they're dug to hide bodies and mistakes, and that's what you're composed of. You are built upon your reputation of everyone you've slept with and lied to, precariously teetering over the smile you give everyone, contrasting with how ugly you really are.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: ok i dunno. i have no excuse for this._

* * *

The weekend flies by, a lot faster than you had hoped it would. You considered asking Kurloz out again, just to get to know him a little better, but between texts from both Horrus and Damara, you had thought better of it._Maybe he doesn't like me all that much, _you think to yourself as you pull some clothes on for the day.

You hated Mondays, and you hated mornings. It was tough to avoid sometimes, but you tried not to party too much on Sundays, lest you wake up with a hangover or smelling like pot. Getting into the habit of getting up extra early so you could take Tavros to school had been a major pain in the ass, but occasionally you could appreciate the sunrise or the darkness before it, and all the early morning frost. Bush parties chilled you to your useless bones, but the way early mornings felt against your skin was nice sometimes.

You also rise early to take care of your hair. Instead of taking some hits with Damara like she had wanted, you spent the evening with Tavros; you had forced him to watch some of your favorite magical girl animes, and you shaved his hair as thanks. Tavros was also nice enough (read: you guilt-tripped him into it) help you dye your hair, because sometimes you bleached too much of your roots or wasted some of the dye. You also had to straighten your slightly wavy hair and style it into your usual Mohawk, which took time. Your younger brother's routine was pretty similar, though he didn't have to do nearly as much with his stupid hair as you did yours. All in all, you were pretty sure that most kids your age didn't have to fuck around so early in the morning, and you felt rather bitter about this when you got out of bed sometimes.

Both you and your brother were quiet, as you ate and loaded him into the van. You piled your bag on Tavros' lap and shoved him into the van, teasing him a little as you did- he wasn't a morning person, and neither were you, but it was funny watching him get angry sometimes. The drive was quiet, until Tavros managed to wrestle your music from you and put on some of his terrible rap. You had to fight the urge to beat your head against your steering wheel, but you were driving, and you didn't feel like getting into any accidents. Not today.

Before you and Tavros had jumped into the van, you were sure to do a once and twice over it, to make sure it wasn't a mess. On Saturday night, you had decided to go out and run a few errands for your dad, grab some groceries, all that sort of stuff. You had the evening to do it, so there was no rush. You had gone into the store for what your dad wanted, and when you came out and got back into the van, Damara was perched in the back seat, with some slightly illegal substances in hand. You didn't take the joints- once or twice she had given you some bad stuff, and you didn't trust what she rolled. She had also been _nice _enough to pick up your favorite (expensive) brand of whiskey, but you pushed it away, saying you had to drive home.

Still, she wouldn't leave. Damara simply sat herself in the passenger seat and had you drive close to the outskirts of town and park. Once again she had pressed what she brought on you and you declined again, firmly. The thoughts of a boy with purple, curly hair was enough to turn you off of them, but when she went for the zipper of your jeans, those thoughts left you.

Well. Not entirely. Instead of listening to her crude Japanese, you pretended it was Kurloz' mouth around you, taking the base of you in hand and rubbing your thighs. After having been with Horrus enough, you had decided you hated rough sex- it hurt too much and left you with too many extra rips in your clothes, and left too much evidence. One of the perks of fucking Damara was that she was practiced and patient, she seemed to like doing all the work and didn't hurt you. In the back of your mind you had wondered if Kurloz would be like this; soft and gentle, and without all the pressure and guilt that came along with Damara.

Your ex-girlfriend had tried to get on top of you, but your limit was there- you didn't have any condoms on hand and she skirted around the topics of birth control. The last thing you wanted was a kid, especially with _Damara_- so a blowjob was as far as you let her take you. You never offered to touch her back, because she was always the one forcing herself on _you_, and you were pretty sure you weren't the only person she fooled around with. After you were done, she demanded that you drive her home, which you did- you weren't _so _bad that you would force a girl to walk around at night by herself. You were far from a gentleman, but you had some sense, and you did care enough about her that you didn't want her to get hurt.

Once you were home, your dad seemed unimpressed with how long you had taken, but you just handed him what he wanted and walked off when he was done talking. You loved your dad and your brother, even if Tavros was needy and whiny and your dad smothered you and babied you. After that you had gotten to work on your homework, and you stashed the bag Damara had left not-so-subtly in your van. Sure, you didn't want to drink or get high with her, but you weren't stupid. Drugs and alcohol were expensive. You still didn't trust the rolled cigarettes so much, but you figured that you would get rid of them somehow, even if you didn't want to smoke them yourself.

Which brought you back to your morning. You were more than happy to drop your finished papers off on your teachers desk first period, even if they were half-bullshitted and your rough draft was your final draft. A grade was a grade, and you wanted your goddamn diploma so you could get the hell out of this stupid town. The known presence of the local church groups managed to piss you off regularly, and you wanted to move to a bigger city. Bless your brother and your dad, but you just wanted to get out of here.

It was after second period now, and you had a spare. You hated that it wasn't first thing, so that you could sleep in just a little bit. You were at your locker, putting away your books when a voice came up behind you that made your skin crawl.

"Does your cell phone require my technical expertise? If it is damaged, I could repair it easily for you."

With a sigh, you shut your locker with probably more force than necessary, and turn around. There stood Horrus, fidgeting a little bit, but he was smiling earnestly at you.

You _hated _that. This guy smiled a lot, and often for no reason; you knew it was because his best friend (or what appeared to be more like his girlfriend) told him to be positive and try to get his previously deep scowl off his strong jaw. Meulin was almost a good friend of yours, but you could sort of tell she was sweet on Horrus, which you didn't mind. In fact, you wished that Horrus would just _notice, _so that he would break up with you, since you couldn't seem to break up with him. In any case, you were glad for her; he used to be rougher with you, and he used to yell at you, before she slapped him upside the head and got him to smarten up. Now he was just too touchy, too attentive, too much.

The thought of talking to Meulin about her feelings suddenly seemed like a very good idea.

You had English with Meulin after lunch, and you decided you would talk with her then. "…My phone is fine, Horrus. Why do you think it would be broken?" You ask, trying not to sigh too much.

The light catches the side of Horrus' face, which has a slight sheen to it, and you do your best not to cringe. He was sweating, and he pulled some hair out of his face and his glasses. "Ah…I see. Forgive me. I had assumed your silence was the fault of any malfunctions your phone had been experiencing. May I ask why you didn't return any of my calls or texts recently?"

You find yourself also doing your best to stifle a groan. Was Horrus _just now _understanding what breaking up entailed? Or that you had told him off a few times beforehand? Still- if you had a chance to finally, _properly_break up with him, you were going to take it. "Bro. I kinda talked to you about this sorta shit before…about all the calling and texting, I mean."

More sweat. "I…I seem to recall a few of these conversations, yes."

You roll your eyes and your shoulders, and listen to the crescendo of cracks and pops that follow. You were sore, and stiff. Might as well see how much he's figured out, you decide. "Right. So what else do you remember from these…uh…conversations, if you don't mind me asking?"

Horrus' stance changes subtly, with his hands coming together and his feet shuffling. He almost looks apologetic. Thoughts of all the things he's yelled in your direction and the times he's practically thrown you against a mattress come to mind, but you try hard not to think of that while you stare at him. Something like fear starts up in you, and you try not to let it show in your posture. "You have mentioned before that you would prefer if I ceased trying to contact you so often and so much. Also that…you wanted to…ah…possibly, have more time and personal space to yourself. Granted, I understand that having time to oneself to recharge, and think things through is very valuable, and necessary…" You grit your teeth. He was doing it _again. _Horrus tended to debunk whatever you were saying with a blast of his feelings and a load of noise pollution about how important you were to him, and how highly he thought of himself. At first, his high self esteem had attracted you, but now you were nothing but bitter. "…and now that I have given you time to yourself, I'm sure that you have some to many realizations and conclusions. I'm sure you have thought better of any actions you have taken previously, and I am more than prepared to forgive you for anything you have decided you wished you had not said." _Wait, what?_You feel yourself tense a little, irritation seeping into your blood. Horrus rattles on some more. "…After all, I am more than willing to give you anything that you need. You and your well-being are so important to me. It was neigh impossible for me to leave you in such a state for so long, but I have done it, as per your request."

Oh, no. Fuck no. No, no, no. You resist every urge to hit him, push him, hurt him physically in the ways he's hurt you, but you resist. If Horrus _wanted _to break you, he could. Both he and his cousin were of ridiculous stature, and you were tall and fit enough, but against the two of them, it would be nothing. You think of Kurloz; if you broke up with Horrus…maybe…just maybe…you could date him for real. Make him your…boyfriend. You didn't understand why he liked you, if he even felt that way, but…a tiny part of you hoped that he wanted to be more.

"Horrus," You grit, trying hard to not let your anger get the better of you. "I haven't said _anything _that I want to take back. I haven't needed any time to 'think things over' like you said I needed to. I took that time, which, I'll remind you, I don't need your _fucking _permission to take. I told you not to call and text me anymore because I'm over you!" Your voice rises as you talk, and Horrus' jaw goes slack, probably from all the anger you usually never displayed, coupled with your language. Maybe also because you didn't dodge the issue this time for the sake of his feelings.

"I…I…what?" His voice comes out sort of like a squeak, which pisses you off more for some reason. Well, there goes not letting him get the best of you. At least you hadn't hit him like you wanted. "You're…what?" His voice lowers and retreats to almost a whisper. You make up for his lack of words and volume with pleasure.

"I said. I'm over you, man. I'm done. I'm so fucking _done! _I'm done with all the ways you ignore me. I hate it when you fucking do this. You just talk, and talk, and…talk!" Your hands are moving without much prompting from you. "You talk over _everything _I say, and it makes me feel like shit! Like…I don't even really matter to you…that you just want something to fuck." You take a breath, and ignore the look of hurt written across his face. "And when we do, I'm so fucking tired of all your messed up kinks. I don't like being tied up, I hate it when you touch me…I hate the way it _hurts _when you want me!" You give him a small shove for emphasis, and he takes it, stepping away from you, and you advance a little. "I don't _want _you."

For a moment, you let yourself breathe. Horrus just stares at you, eyes wide from underneath his glasses. A hand comes out towards you, and you slap it away. "Rufioh, I didn't-"

"No!" You almost yell and take a step back.

"-mean it. I didn't. I didn't _know_. I thought…"

"You thought what?" You snap and take another step back, with your back almost hitting the lockers. Heat and moisture is pooling in your ducts, and you didn't need that.

"…I thought that you loved me." Horrus manages after a moment.

Instead of feeling guilty and apologetic like you thought you would, apathy washes over you. You take time to wipe at your eyes and keep anything from spilling over in front of this man. "I've been cheating on you, Horrus."

"I…_what_?" He looks you over again, looking as though he didn't believe you.

You huff. This was it. Here it is. You were breaking more of your best friend down. "I've been…_seeing _Damara. And no, we're not dating, we're just…" You hug yourself and take a step to the side, looking around to see if your volume had attracted any people passing by. "…and…I'm dating someone else."

The look on his face is enough for you. You wipe your eyes again and shake your head. "R…Rufioh, I…please…" He reaches out again and that was it. You turn and walk away as fast as you can without running, and make for the doors of your school. After you're out the front doors break into a run for the parking lot, huffing and sniffling as you do. You spot your van, and you go for it, and reach into your pocket. To your horror, they're not there; so you lean against your van for a moment, and glance back to make sure Horrus hasn't come after you. You lead yourself to the walls further back the building for your school, halfways to the empty smokers' pit, and your allow yourself to cry. As far as you can tell, you're alone against the cold bricks of your school and you drop and sit yourself down, and curl up.

Your tears were dampening the knees of your jeans, but you didn't care. You didn't care if someone passing by heard or saw you. You couldn't go back in for your keys, and you didn't have any friends to call and ask for their help. So you just sunk further into yourself, allowing yourself to cry, just this once.

Horrus wasn't gentle. He was _never _gentle with you, though you knew he had tried. You were angry, angry with Horrus for being so understanding and good to you, even if he had put you on a pedestal like everyone else you knew had did. He had pressured you just like Damara had, expecting everything of you, and you were done. The pads of your fingers slide up your coat, and up the wrist of your arm and you scratch. You press and hold, breaking skin as you cry. You don't notice the sound of gravel crunching until it's too late.

Hands are on your arms and shoulders and knees, accompanied by light taps and brushes. You don't dare look up at whoever has found you, your eyes and cheeks burning with embarrassment. Why had this happened to you? You didn't mean for things to go this way. _If only I had my fucking keys,_ you think as fingers situate themselves under your chin and tug, and you find yourself looking at Kurloz Makara.

His hands are flying as soon as you lock eyes with him, with his mouth turned back into a frown and his eyebrows are drawn up. You blush and shy away, sliding against the wall in an attempt to get away from him. "I-I don't…I don't understand…" You hiccup, and he stops. Kurloz stares at you with his arms limp against his sides and you look away and curl into yourself again, trying not to cry anymore.

Kurloz shuffles up on his knees in front of you and grabs your wrists, pulling them away from yourself, reminding you of how he had done that on your date when you got nervous. Thankfully he doesn't seem to notice you hurting yourself, and if he does, he doesn't show it. Warmth greets you as he pulls you in for a soft hug, pulling you up close into his sweater that smells like smoke. You take it- you sag against him as he takes you up close in your arms, with your cheek resting against his shoulder and the crook of his neck as more tears slide down your cheeks. Your hands find the front of his shirt and you cling as he holds you. A noise that sounds like "_shhhhh,_" leaves him, and you find yourself unable to listen.

Kurloz holds you close until you stop crying.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: might be the last chapter because people on tumblr are mean idk_

* * *

Kurloz had waited until you were slightly calmer before he did anything with you. For the most part, you were too useless to do anything with yourself. You let him touch you in any way he saw fit, ruffling your hair, hugging you, stroking your face, all in some sort of attempt to shush you. Eventually it worked and when you came back to your senses, you were sitting in his car.

After you were done your fit, Kurloz had gently made you stand and took you to his car, opening the door for you and buckling you in. You didn't ask any questions, you didn't make any comments; you let him do what he wanted.

You were boneless. Your head throbbed, your face felt too moist and too dry, your throat ached, and you were embarrassed and angry and tired. You were angry at yourself for yelling at Horrus, you were embarrassed for blowing up like that in front of both Horrus and Kurloz, and now you were tired from all the crying you did. Crying wasn't a thing you indulged in very often; it took effort and you had none, it was easier to settle into a fit of ever constant depression rather than let it all out. For the most part, you let people do as they wanted with you, saying and doing without reacting to them. There was a certain way people expected you to act, and doing otherwise would probably cause you more harm. It harmed you to behave the way you did, but change didn't come easy or often to you, so you just stayed the way you were.

You were tired emotionally and physically, and you were already sorry. If you weren't so upset, you would have tried to text or call Horrus to apologize, but somehow you thought that you were the last person he would want to hear from right now.

So you let Kurloz drive. Some soft music filled the car, simple beats and a light voice carrying the car as you both drove. Idly you watched buildings pass by; you didn't care about class right now, the last thing _you _wanted was for people to see you like this. You rarely ever let people see you angry or sad or upset, keeping a careful façade of happiness. Sometimes you were drunk when you cried or you would become useless when you were high, but for the most part you had it together, partying aside.

It was strange for Kurloz to be acting the way he was; you didn't know him, as much as you wanted to. Kurloz had never been there for any of your breakdowns or listened to anything about your personal life, other than wanting to be an item. Now it seemed you were single, and dating wouldn't normally be a problem, but you were feeling pretty shitty for what you just did.

After a while of slightly awkward silence between the two of you, you both reached a residential area, further on the other side of town. This was the part of town that had nicer and bigger and newer houses, where the older or wealthier people lived. You were middle class, you were born middle class, and you were probably going to die middle class. Maybe you should have been surprised that Kurloz came from a wealthier family, but right now you didn't care. Once or twice you'd gone to a house party in this area, but not in the particular one Kurloz pulled up to.

Kurloz parked the car and walked to your side of the car; you unbuckled yourself, because you weren't entirely pathetic. The curly haired boy opened the door for you and held out his hand, keeping an even expression on his face as he did. Heat gathered in your face, fresh pangs of humiliation rushing through you, but you took his hand anyways. If Kurloz wanted to be your senpai, your ouji-sama, he was more than welcome to the title.

For the most part you were too tired for any sort of joking or screwing around, but the thought of Kurloz being comfortable being called those things almost made you smile.

Kurloz held your hand as he led you inside, reminding you a little bit of your date. His hand was softer than yours, because all your sports had toughened them, but his hands were like ice. If you thought about it, you felt a little sick, but that was probably from crying, and Kurloz' body heat, or lack thereof wasn't helping much so far. When you both got inside, you started looking around; you felt terrible, but there was much of Kurloz you knew nothing about.

Inside his house was tidy and well-furnished with meticulously made up details, couches with elaborate carvings in them and railings. Here and there hung portraits of clowns and other horror-themed decorations; it was rather dark inside the house, and you guessed it was probably because everyone else he lived with was at work or school. Kurloz took you up some stairs and down a couple hallways until you reached a door that you assumed was his room.

Kurloz opened up the door, still holding your hand and pulled you inside, all the while being gentle with you. Your assumption was right; inside was a soft-looking bed with heaps of blankets and pillows, a desk and a couple shelves, posters, and everything was suspiciously clean. Now, you weren't a slob, but you had a pile of clothes here and there on your own bedroom floor and some anime shit lying around your room. Kurloz was just as put together as everything else in the house was it seemed, except for the bed.

The bed is where he led you, and it was just as comfortable as you thought it would be. You were sat down and piled upon with some pillows and blankets, and the thin boy turned and left you just like that. Well. You were a little bewildered now, you were in an unfamiliar house in an even more unfamiliar bed, and you still felt really shitty. It seemed you were welcome to it, so you laid down and curled up, dragging the blankets and pillows nearest to you and getting comfortable.

Underneath some pillows your hand hit something; you wrapped your hand around whatever it was, and it was soft. You pulled it out and held it up to see, and you regretted this instantly; in your hands was a creepy looking doll, with a blue shirt and orange pants, red cheeks and long eyelashes.

You really didn't like puppets. Something about their unending gaze left you nervous and uneasy.

The doll's shirt read "Cal" on it along with some other gaudy jewellery; you found it cute in a morbid sort of way that Kurloz slept with a doll (you slept with Pokémon plushes and bodypillows), but this…this thing was kind of ugly.

Now that it was in your hands, you weren't sure what to do with it; you certainly didn't want to cuddle up to this thing, and simply putting it back would still unnerve you. While knowing it was there, you'd never be able to relax or even look comfortable. Putting it on the floor seemed rude, you were currently a guest and pissing off Kurloz wasn't on your to-do list.

This Cal doll was even more unnerving than all the Insane Clown Posse posters on the walls.

While you were contemplating this Kurloz came back inside the room; he had a couple of coffee mugs in his hand, and as soon as he saw you, he had a wry smile across his handsome features. Kurloz set one of the mugs down on the desk and made his way over to you, sitting down on the bed and handing you the mug. Instantly, you complied, sitting up from your make-shift nest to take the cup from him, practically tossing the doll out of your grasp.

The contents of the cup were dubious at first; you took your coffee and drink in specific ways. If Kurloz made it for you, you'd drink it, but you probably wouldn't like it. You took a sip; and to your pleasant surprise, it was hot chocolate. It was creamy and sweet and not _too _hot, and not _too _sugary that it was gross. It was…well, it was perfect. While you were warming up inside and out with all the pillows and blankets and the hot chocolate, you noticed Kurloz somehow had gotten a notebook into his hands. This guy really _was _ninja like in all the ways of faith Juggalos seemed to have, you determined with your lips quirked to the side.

["That's Cal. He was a gift from my…uncle. Don't look so weirded out, man."]

You grin. "A gift that you sleep with? Man…there's no excuse for that…I wouldn't sleep with that. No offense."

Kurloz shrugged. ["Aight, bro. I got this. When we get all kinds of cozy-like in a bed, I'll hide Cal for you."] Kurloz reached over and grabbed the doll, and it was gone. You'd only blinked and it was gone.

This house was sort of weird, you were starting to notice.

The sudden disappearance of the puppet didn't stop you from blushing a shade at the bed reference. Was…was Kurloz _flirting _with you? "Uh…yeah. That would be real nice of you. I mean…if you like that sorta shit, I ain't gonna judge…" You really had no place to judge with all the anime figurines lining your shelves and the magic the gathering cards you had stacked on your desk.

A smile was your response, and you took another sip of your hot chocolate, trying not to get too flustered. Visiting Kurloz wasn't your plan for the day, but now that you were here, you didn't feel like leaving. Kurloz' presence was comforting, you were all warmed up now, and aside from your headache and that godawful doll you were comfy. "Uh…I hate to be a bother, but do you have some painkillers or something…?"

With another nod Kurloz strode out of the room, and returned much more quickly than before. In his hand he had a bottle of painkillers, the nicer kind you noticed, and you gratefully took a couple. Now all you had to do was wait for the pain to stop. "Thanks, doll. Um…I like your room." You commented, taking another look at all the posters and things he had lining the place. On a shelf you thought you could see a couple _Junji Ito _manga, but you weren't sure. If it was, you were sold; this man right here was the prince of your kokoro.

Kurloz simply nodded, and then he put his mug down again and crawled over next to you in his stupidly large bed, wiggling his way into under the covers next to you. Once Kurloz had situated himself on this stomach, he was writing again. ["So what's wrong, brother? That was some pretty unmiraculous noise I heard earlier."]

Oh, no. You had been hoping that Kurloz wouldn't ask, and normally you wouldn't say anything about it. You sat up and slid your jacket off your shoulders, since it felt a lot like you would be here for a while. You weren't entirely sure what to do with it, but Kurloz picked it up and tossed it onto a nearby chair, where it slid to the floor. It looked a little weird, considering how the entirety of his room was immaculate.

Your lips and tongue felt heavy. Just from this weekend and today alone you had been the undoings of two people, plus yourself. It didn't feel right for you to say anymore, you were hurting yourself, you were killing yourself over and over. But here you were in Kurloz' room in his bed, wrapped up all safe and warm. The bed smelt nice and the worried knit of his brow had relaxed, and you'd be lying if you said that you were uncomfortable.

You had broken up with Horrus in the worst way possible for this boy in the bed next to you.

Guilt and affection loosened your lips. "…I…I broke up with Horrus today."

A couple of emotions written across the other boys' made up face were your response. Kurloz was wearing his paint today, you noticed. First you recognized surprise, and then understanding, and then what looked like disbelief before he nodded. ["Do you want to talk about it?"]

No. No, you didn't. You wanted to fall asleep in this boy's arms and stop thinking about how awful you felt and were. You wanted to get the look on his face out of your head, you wanted to forget what you said and did. If you hadn't already cried about it, you would be doing so again. You had to suck in a breath to keep your bottom lip from giving away how you felt, gnawing on it as though it were the cause of all your problems. "I can if you want me to."

Kurloz' mouth settled into a firm line. ["I don't want you to do anything you don't all up and want to do. What do you want, brother? That's probably a lot more motherfuckin' important than what I want right now."]

"…And…what do you want right now?" Another breath filled your lungs.

Kurloz' expression and his hands were suddenly in your hair and he was closer, shifting so that he was almost hovering over top of you. The look in his eyes and the way he cupped your face made you think he was going to kiss you, and instinctually you almost jerked out of his hand. You weren't okay with anything romantically intimate, you had had enough of that for today. As much as you had been wanting to kiss and hold Kurloz, that wasn't what you wanted right now. To your relief, Kurloz pressed his lips to your cheek, stroking your hair and the side of your face before he sat up again. The same look of hurt was present, but it wasn't the same; it was faraway and distant, repressed.

It made more guilt pour from your insides.

["I want you to feel better. I want you to stop lookin' so motherfuckin' sad. It ain't right the way a brother was all by himself when you broke down the way you did. I want you to relax and stop getting yourself all worked up and hurting yourself like this."]

Kurloz' hand came to your wrist, pulling it out from under the covers to bring where you had hurt yourself earlier into the light. Skin shaped in small crescents marred your skin close to where your veins were, angry with blood. Already it was starting to clot and scab, making Kurloz click his tongue. The curly haired boy got up from the bed and left again.

So Kurloz had noticed what you had done.

Kurloz knew.

Horrus may have been your best friend, but you had never told him. In all the times you had been with him, you had never once told him he had hurt you physically. Never had you opened up to anyone about how you opened up yourself like this, never had you shown anyone or let them know. You were always careful, making sure to do it when you were alone and out of sight. You had been careless, desperate for breaking down in public the way you did.

Kurloz was back in the room and he rouse you from the bed, holding you up by your shoulders and bringing out your wrists. The soft pads of his fingers traced the scars dotted there, going up and up, because you had some on your forearm and upper arm too. In his hands he had a small bag, and he went through the delicate but searing process of cleaning what he could of your wounds, some of the older ones were beyond help. Then he bandaged them and tried to pull off your pants and shirt, because you knew he knew. You knew he knew there was more to you, more of these little marks curving into your skin in less obvious places.

But you had shied away, telling him no, you weren't ready for him to see you. You weren't ready for him to see you with less clothing, you weren't ready for him to look at your with such pity in his eyes. Nobody had ever done this for you, cleaning and bandaging you, because you had always done it for yourself.

Throughout the process, you were trying to place yourself elsewhere mentally. It was humiliating, It was embarrassing, it was painful, and you were ashamed. When Kurloz' hand brushed some stray tears away from your face you came back to yourself and you hadn't realized you were crying again.

Immediately you sat back, wiping at your eyes with your newly wrapped up wrists and arms, smiling nervously. "Oh. Oh God, I'm…I'm sorry. I uh…"

Kurloz just shook his head and kissed you on the forehead, and laid you back down in the bed. This time he offered himself up to you, opening his thin arms for you and you were there, pressing your forehead into his collarbone with a sigh.

There were a few times when you had thought you said thank you to him in a hushed tone as you drifted off to sleep. The throbbing in your head was starting to ebb away into nothing and you felt taken care of for the first time in your life. This wasn't like the paternal guidance your Dad had or the background support Tavros provided; Kurloz was being a _friend _to you, offering to let you talk if you wanted and letting you cry and get angry.

There were a few times when you thought you head Kurloz say you were welcome as you fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: theres probably a million typos in here. im sorry for the hiatus. and thank you everyone for the reviews and being such sweethearts! each and every one of them made me smile and encouraged me not to give up._

* * *

You were dreaming.

In your dream, you weren't much more graceful or less of a dork than you were in real life, but there was anime, and that was always something cool to dream about. A couple of your favorite different (bishonen) protagonists did what they always did, keeping evil at bay and all that, because you were never strong enough to do that, even in your own dreams.

These dreams were always cool, but they were pretty commonplace for you.

What really got your attention though, was a skateboard. There was a skateboard and there was Kurloz, and he was laughing and talking to you, and you were pretty excited about all this. So you climbed on that skateboard like a moron, and attempted to conquer the skatepark that happened to be nearby to impress your potential boyfriend. So off you went- you hadn't been too bad at skateboarding when you were little, it felt like flying- but you wiped out. You wiped out, landing awkwardly on a ledge and your skateboard flew off to god knows where, and you ended up hitting your head.

You also passed out, in your dream, even though you were already asleep, which is sort of strange.

Afterwards you woke up in a hospital bed; all wrapped up in some bandages and rolled up in some shitty hospital blankets. You're not too sure if it's possible to feel pain in dreams, but you sure did. You had felt the cement making friendly with your back pretty clearly, and the blow to your head that made you pass out like a loser. Now that you had woken up (in your dream) Kurloz was shaking his head at you, mumbling something about "not this shit again" and proceeded to fuss over you. It was embarrassing. You also had a huge headache.

Kurloz was not the type to be easily impressed, even in a different plane of reality, it seemed. Still, even if you had made a fool of yourself, _again_, something deep in your ribcage was swelling up. Something that felt like affection. Something, that when he put the tips of his fingers against your forehead felt a lot like affection. Something that felt a lot like lov-

The tapping was getting a little intense. It was making it hard to think. Also, some dull background noise, kind of like static was making it hard to focus. You groaned and rolled away from Kurloz, who just persisted more, tapping you lightly on the nose, on the lips, on your cheeks.

Until you had actually woken up, for real this time, in someplace you didn't recognize.

"What...?"

Kurloz actually was standing over you, though. It took a moment for you to notice him, but there he was. A small smile stretched over his thin lips and he reached into your hair and gave it a soft once-over, before he stood up to his full height, looking at you expectantly.

It also took you another moment to realize where you were. You were in Kurloz' bed, and you actually had a headache. It wasn't as bad as the one in your dream, and all of those phantom wounds you had attained were gone, but there was an ache somewhere up in your skull anyways. You wondered silently why you were here, in Kurloz' bed, with a killer headache, but then it all came rushing up to greet you, kind of like that cement in your dream.

_Horrus_.

"...What time is it?" You asked in a small voice. You felt much better after a nap, but if you'd forgotten to take Tavros home after skipping school, you were a dead man walking. Your dad would flay your corpse and hang it from the backyard balcony for the neighbors to see.

Actually, that wouldn't happen. Your father would probably just tackle you and wrestle you to the ground in some sort of headlock, and burn his knuckles into your bleached roots. Then he'd toss you onto your feet and give you a swift kick in the ass, and then he'd go and take a couple of your favorite mangas and dvds for a few days as punishment.

Sometimes, you dad just seemed ridiculous. His hair was still shades of red, although in much more muted tones than yours, and it wasn't out of control like yours, either.

Kurloz gestured to the electronic clock he had on his desk, reminding you of your current situation. It was half an hour past lunch, and you estimated you'd been passed out for maybe an hour. You kind of wished that Kurloz let you sleep longer, but this was his house and his bed, so you weren't the boss here. Then Kurloz handed you a note, which read, ["I made lunch. You want some?"]

You threw the blankets off with a half-groan and half yawn, sitting yourself up. You also nodded and heard a quiet noise that sounded like a laugh- you looked up at Kurloz and he bent down, and brushed some of your now-flattened hair out of your face and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. It had you blush a warm shade- you felt rather warm from both your dream and how unbelievably soft Kurloz' bed was, and then he had to be a jerk and kiss you.

Kurloz motioned towards the door and grabbed your hand, and led you out of his room. Now the rest of the house seemed rather cold, and it was still dark, though not nearly as dark as it had been earlier. Then a thought struck you- "Did you skip classes today?"

A low hum and a nod came from Kurloz and he made some sort of motion with his hand, and turned forwards again. This didn't placate you, and although Kurloz didn't seem annoyed or upset, it worried you. "You didn't...skip classes for me, did you? Shit...I'm sorry."

Soon you were both down the stairs and Kurloz led you into an impressive looking dining room. It was fancy, and it kind of reminded you of some Victorian animes and shit like that, and you kind of wanted to eat in here- but Kurloz kept leading you along and you tried to not look so disappointed. Then you were in an equally as impressive kitchen that had a smaller table in it, with some soup and sandwiches piled up on a plate. In response to your question, Kurloz held out a hand and looked over his shoulder at you and made a 'so-so' sort of gesture, which you figured was a yes and a no.

Kurloz hadn't been in class when he'd found you earlier, and he'd smelled like smoke, so- maybe he'd been skipping class already? You frowned in thought, but you sat down and pulled up some food anyways.

Of course there was already a pen and paper on the table where Kurloz sat, and as soon as you'd had a mouthful of soup, he was writing. Then he shoved the paper in your direction on the table. ["So, you feelin' any better now, brother?"]

A shade of red started to color your face- a trait Kurloz seemed to bring out of you, and you were starting to hate it. Horrus had stopped making you blush about a month into your on-and-off again relationship. "...Yeah. I feel a lot better now, actually. Thanks for letting me crash in your bed..."

Then there was that damn smirk of his. ["Anytime. You can crash there all a motherfucker pleases. Ain't the only thing he can use it for, either."]

_Oh, no. _This was going way too fast for your tastes. Sure- you'd be lying if you hadn't already gotten off to some thoughts of Kurloz, but- that didn't mean you were about to _sleep _with him. You weren't ready to fuck up another relationship, even if Kurloz seemed like the sort of guy who had all his shit figured out. _You _weren't the sort of guy who had your shit figured out, not by a long shot, you weren't even sure if you wanted to go to college yet.

Some sort of unmanly squeak left your throat and you didn't even know it was possible for a dude your size to sound that way. You slapped a hand over your mouth and dared a glance up at Kurloz, and- the asshole was just full out _grinning _at you. Then you picked up a sandwich and shoved it into your face before you tried to speak again, lest you make any more of those awful noises. "...Haha...uh...yeah. That would be...real cool. S-so, did you...skip class?"

A flicker of disappointment tugged at the corner of Kurloz' lips and he had some soup before entertaining you with a response. ["Yeah, brother. I ain't all that sure of your schedule and all that shit- you gotta drive your little brother home and all that shit, yeah? Plus we gotta get your shit outta school- and I'm assuming you don't wanna do that by yourself."] Your head shook a quick _hell no _in response and Kurloz' smile grew a little more platonic. ["Right. So as much as I enjoy having a hot brother all tucked in real sweet in my bed, we gotta take care of some shit."]

Kurloz was kind of reminding you constantly it seemed that you were complete shit at flirting. You stumbled with your words for a moment before something coherent came out. "Y-yeah. Uh. I would...really appreciate it if you could like...come into the school with me to get my shit. Like. I'm sure I could do it myself, I mean, I gotta drive Tavros home myself, so..." Kurloz' lips fell into a straight line for some reason and that bothered you. "...yeah. I just...don't know if I could handle running into Horrus right now...or...Damara, for that matter, either...maybe not Meulin either..."

Kurloz' smile was gone, replaced with a rather somber expression. His dark blue eyes wouldn't meet yours; he focused on his pad of paper and his food for a moment before he looked up at you again. ["I got you, brother. You ain't gonna talk to no one you don't wanna, I'll make sure of it. We'll get your little brother home on time and all that shit. In the mean time..."] Kurloz dropped the pen and sat back in his chair, looking thoughtful for a moment. ["I got two suggestions, cause we ain't gotta be goin' nowhere for a couple more hours. If you wanna stay here right now, that is."] You nodded quickly again. ["Aight. Well...you up for talkin' about what happened yet? Or do you wanna talk about somethin' else? I just wanna make sure a brother is feelin' okay, and all that shit."]

Well, that nap had done wonders for you. Being here in this (weird) house with Kurloz was kind of sobering, and it was making you feel completely removed from a bunch of shit you caused and- you actually felt rather safe here. Sure, you didn't really want Kurloz to know about your sexual history or about all the alcohol and drugs you abused, or your tendency to still sleep with Damara but- he was making you feel safe. Comfortable. After a moment of staring at Kurloz' eyes and wondering what he kept in his hair to make it so huge- a gun, maybe? You half-smiled at your own joke before you nodded in agreement. "...Okay. Well...uh...what do you wanna know?"

Kurloz' bony shoulders rose and fell in a lazy shrug. ["Anything you feel like spillin', bro. I ain't gonna judge you none or any of that sorta unrighteous noise. But...I would like to know what was all said to make you feel like you needed to be alone to cry like that."]

This time your cheeks heated up because...shame crawled its way back up along your spine and latched onto your shoulder blades and collarbones. You promised yourself, no, you _told _yourself you weren't going to cry anymore again today, so you swallowed that lump that had made itself at home in your throat and nodded again. "...Alright. Well...I had a spare second period today...and like...I guess Horrus does too? I kinda thought he had shop or some shit but I guess he didn't..." Kurloz nodded, to show that he was listening. "And he like...came up to me while I was just hanging out by myself outta nowhere and he like...started asking me if my phone was broken or something. Because I haven't answered his calls or messages in like...two weeks." A nervous laugh bubbled up from your chest.

"And I like...tried to tell him off easy that...I just wasn't interested anymore? I've told him several times already but he just keeps..._pushing. _He said that he stepped off to give me time to myself, so I could like...rethink the things I said and did to him that I didn't mean. As if I need his _permission_ to have time to myself...you know?" You surprised yourself, because you sounded angry again, but the amount of venom that had tapered into your tone didn't seem to faze Kurloz. Maybe not outwardly. "And he just...kept talking. He never listens. He always goes off on his feelings, and he has to put his opinion into everything I say and he just talks over whatever I have to say...and doesn't give me any time to...tell him how I _really _feel. It makes me feel like s_hit. _Like...my feelings don't really matter or...something."

You sucked in your bottom lip for a moment. Kurloz' blue-eyed gaze met yours evenly. Everything about this boy was even, and taken care of, except for his hair, maybe. Your breath was a little ragged and the pulse of your jagged heart hadn't been right since you fucked Damara over. You would be lying if you said you weren't a little jealous of how put-together Kurloz seemed. "So I...I got mad. I yelled at him. I've...haha, I've never done that shit before. I'm always...quiet, around him. He does all the talking...but I...I yelled at him. I told him about how I've been...cheating on him. How I...kind of dated someone behind his back." At this you lowered your eyes, holding your arm to your side tightly. You were afraid of what Kurloz was going to say, and what he was going to think of you.

"I wanted...to hit him. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to like...shove him against the lockers. I ain't...never really fought, you know? Not for...myself. If some asshole decided to give Tavros shit...I'd fuck them over real fast. But...I've never...done that. The look on his face...he apologized to me and he kept trying to touch me and I just...pushed him away, and then fucked off." You laughed softly again. Your head hurt a lot. "I wanted to just like...go home or something, but I was a dumbass and forgot my van keys...and I wasn't sure if Horrus was coming after me or not...so..." Your breath cut short. "That's when you found me."

Kurloz still had apathy written all up over his face, but it didn't reach his eyes. After a few moments of your lightly jarred breathing, Kurloz reached over and gave the hand you had on your abandoned sandwich a squeeze. Then you looked up at him, _really _looked at him, but you didn't find the disgust or disappointment you thought you would find. Kurloz didn't squeeze your hand too hard, because it was still all wrapped up. Then he lifted it gently and bowed his crown of curls to you, and laid his lips over your knuckles and expanse of bones and veins on the back of your hand. What little breath you had caught escaped you again- then he kissed your bandages before he sat up again.

The pen was in his hand. ["I'm sorry, Rufioh."]

Well, you weren't crying or blushing this time, so that was an improvement. You felt a little vacant of all your insides, if anything.

"I'm...I'm sorry too. I feel so...shitty. I wish I could take it all back. He's...he's my best friend, you know? I slept with my best friend and then...did all that shit to him. I didn't mean for things...to go the way they did." You took your hand back, cradling it under the table, hopefully out of sight from the boy who sat across from you. "I'm sorry, Kurloz..."

A small sigh left Kurloz and he shook his head slowly. ["You ain't be needing to apologize to this here motherfucker, brother. If anything, you need to apologize to yourself for the way you been treatin' yourself. I been around long enough to...see the sorta shit that's been goin' on with you. Maybe you need to apologize to Horrus, and maybe the weeaboo chica but...not now. Only if you really want, man. Right now you need to be takin' good care of yourself, and that little bro of yours. Don't worry about all that shit, you can take care of that later."]

["...Okay?"]

Your head felt heavy as you nodded back. "...Okay..."

Silence filled the air along with the lack of oxygen in your lungs. After a few moments you remembered you had food and you started to eat again. The soup was almost cold, but Kurloz' cooking was good, so it made up for any loss of heat. As you ate you began to get lost in your thoughts again, and you hardly noticed when Kurloz started writing again. It was only once the note was pushed in front of you that you noticed it. ["I been wondering...would a brother be interested in learning some sign language?"]

Not long after Kurloz suggested it he took off upstairs again, looking a little excited. You'd agreed just about immediately, because you had been desperately wanting to break down what barriers existed between the two of you. Kurloz was an enigma to you, you felt as though you knew next to nothing about this boy who'd been unlucky enough to capture your attention. You were interested in learning- you looked up a few things about being mute online and some basic sign language, but you were unsure- you weren't sure if learning would be awkward and unwanted, so you had stopped your process prematurely.

Maybe you'd been studying sign language a little more closely than you had been studying your texts lately, but Kurloz didn't need to know that.

The books that Kurloz came back with were dog-eared and worn, and the spine of the books were all stressed. When you picked up a book Kurloz looked a little shy- reminding you of how he looked when you had first tried talking to him beforehand- but you offered him a smile. A smile, because you were a little excited yourself; Kurloz was sharing parts of himself with you, and if you kept at it, you would probably be able to maybe sign a few things to him and catch him off guard. Kurloz didn't need to know you were just a little ahead of where he probably thought you were. Not that you understood anything.

The books were kind of musty and they had some angry looking scribbles and doodles scrawled across the pages. For some reason Kurloz looked apologetic about them, but he didn't offer and kind of explanation for the sketches. They were kind of nice, but they also made you ache a little. You didn't know he was an artist, but you guess you should have picked that up from his style of dress and the nature of his face paint.

Kurloz walked you through some really basic movements- like "yes" and "no" and then to simple conversations, like "how are you" and those types of things. You'd looked up the hand movements before but you hadn't really understood them, because diagrams online didn't do any kind of justice to actual demonstrations- so you actually picked up the easy stuff fairly quickly. Kurloz seemed impressed.

Which is why he decided to play dirty, you decided. Then Kurloz taught you how to sign, "I love you", and he leant in to press a light kiss at the corner of your lips, catching _you _totally off guard. You'd been so focused on his hands and trying to impress him that it staggered you, causing your hands to fall slack at your sides and for you to turn about a million shades of warm colors.

"That's...that's not fair." You managed to croak after a moment of staring at the mute boy. Kurloz' shoulders shook in his cute wheezy laugh.

Oh, hell no. You weren't going to let him get the upper hand so easily- so you grabbed his hands, ignoring whatever he was going to sign to you, because you probably weren't going to understand it anyways. You leant in and pressed a firm but messy kiss to his lips.

A sound that you hadn't heard from Kurloz before left him, making you grin. You'd been wanting to kiss the hell out of this guy for a while, and now that you were doing it, you weren't sure you'd be able to hold yourself back all that well. So you shuffled a little closer and put an arm around his waist, tugging him up against you.

Kurloz seemed completely stunned for a moment while you did this, making you grin against his lips- but he seemed to recover after a moment, sliding his arms around your hips and your shoulders, deepening the contact.


End file.
